Judgy people

Ok, so starting a blog a couple of weeks before having my second baby probably wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had. Clearly I’ve not been able to commit much time to building the blog, I have a tonne of half written posts (about pregnant and post pregnancy fashion, what it’s like having two kids, my house renovations etc etc) but no time to finish them. I will get round to it soon, I promise!

But in the meantime, something happened today and it really got me thinking so much so that I can’t NOT post about it immediately!

Traditionally Indian babies wear teeny gold and black braclets and dax has a beautiful pair that my parents bought for Bella when she was born. Anyway, I digress. One of the hooks unfortunately got caught on my jumper last week and snapped so today dax and I dropped in to the local jewellers to get it repaired. 

As soon as we entered I could tell the shop owner was going to be rude. Instead of welcoming me into his shop, he moaned I accidently left the door open (which I then closed immediately) and seemed annoyed that I that I had bought my buggy in *insert rolling eyes emoji lol. Anyway I showed him the bracelet and asked how much it would cost to repair, he ignored my question, walked into the back room of the jewlllers and emerged a good 5 mins later. I was stood there awkwardly for 5 mins! He didn’t say where he was going nor did he acknowledge my question about how much the repair was going to cost. Anyway after reappearing with a cup of tea in his hand, he had ignored me to make fcukin tea!!!!! He said ‘what do you want’ ermmmmmm so I repeated my question about the repair again, he glimpsed quickly at the bracelet and said ‘£50’… for one tiny flipping hook! £50! Clearly I asked him to take a proper look (from experience it should have been max £20) and he let me know in no uncertain terms that I wouldn’t know what the price of gold is as I’m just a mum. I was so so soooo close to explaining to him that infact I am quite aware of the price of gold, having worked in the city for investment banks for 10 years I have a pretty good idea of metal prices, but I decided to instead just walk away. 

You see, having kids has taught me so many things. My skin is so much thicker than it has ever been before, I pay no regard to people’s opinions of me and I am far more tolerant of other peoples views and ideas. Him being so rude and dismissive just cemented the harsh reality of opinions that a lot of people have, this archaic notion that you are suddenly less capable because you are a mother. It seems absurd to judge someone on the basis of their procreational activities but clearly it’s happening. This man assumed that because I was a mother, I wouldn’t know the price of gold! It seems ridiculous even typing that! 

But this got me thinking, all those eye rolls that I brush off when Bella is screaming about wanting a kinder egg, the tuts I dismiss when my buggy accidentally knocks into something and the stares I receive when I breastfeed my baby in public (with a breastfeeding cover on, why stare?!) When did people become so judgemental? I pride myself having a really open mind, each to their own and all that, but really I genuinely would never ever question someone’s choices. That’s not my responsibility, nor is it my place to do so. I’m shocked at how quick people are to draw conclusions on others based solely on their appearance or how they appear. 

It frightens me that some mums cross analyse other kids with so much vitriol. Judgement on how they dress, how they feed eat, what they eat, their conversational ability, if they can count… I could go on forever! I don’t feel that anyone should be allowed to judge anyone else let alone mums, we gotta stick together girls! All this competitiveness is doing no one any favours. Do we really want our daughters to grow up seeing us bitch, moan about everything and everyone?! It’s our responsibility to show them the light. 2016 has been a rough ride, brexit/trump, but this future gen are our only hope. Let’s not pollute their innocent minds with vindictive, bitter emotions. I genuinely believe that a happy and content mother = happy and content babes. Simple maths! 

So rather than being annoyed about the jewellers inability to understand that a mother can have a couple of brain cells knocking about, I pity him. I hope that he doesn’t look at wife in such a negative context and I certainly hope that if he has a daughter that he doesn’t bring her up with such dated views. 

Apologies for the ranty post, it just really made me think. Anyway, normality will resume soon with a fash blog or something a little more light hearted!

Peace and love peeps ✌🏽️

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Anxiety…

Apologies for the hiatus. As you can imagine it has been a pretty crazy few weeks! Things are starting to settle and Bella’s behaviour has shown vast improvement (bloody terrible twos can do one!) Dax is fitting in wonderfully and is the sweetest little addition to our squad.

One thing that isn’t so welcome is my anxiety. I would go as far as saying I used to be the most non-anxious person you would meet. But after having kids? Woahhhhhhh it’s crazy! And I know I’m overthinking things and creating nutty scenarios in my mind (my child being abducted while we roam the biscuit aisle in waitrose. Yup. Someone breaking into our home and taking my kids whilst they sleep. Yup. And the worst one of all, that I’m not a good enough mum)

That last scenario is the worst one. I make an active effort to be a pro active parent, Bella and I converse constantly, I give my kids so much affection and I always put them first BUT there’s always a niggling feeling that I’m not doing the best job I can. I don’t think I’ve ever met a mother who feels like they are ace-ing it, which makes me think… Maybe we are all doing an amazing job, we are doing everything we can and that’s enough. Our love for our kids is unconditional and that’s all that matters. 

So I am really trying hard now not to doubt myself, not to over think my mama skills and to saviour the moment. Our babies grow up far too quickly (Dax is already 2 months old waaaahhhh!) so if you need me you will find me snuggling my kids, having a glass of something strong with my hubby and appreciating this crazy, haphazard & intense moment in our lives!

 Until next time xxx

Ps, I post far more on Instagram than I do here so give me a follow @ldnmum X

Expanding the squad

Wow, what a roller coaster week this has been!

We welcomed our baby son into the world on May 26th. His big sister is over the moon and so are we

The little dude is called Dax and he has made my heart explode with love. 

I remember having a conversation with my friend Leila quite early on in pregnancy about how much I would struggle to love another child the way I loved Bella. My relationship with Bella has always been very intense, my mum and I haven’t always seen eye to eye so I guess I’ve tried to make up for that by being a psychotic, overbearing and insanely obsessive mum to Bella! But seeing his little face and feeling his soft skin against mine I felt stupid for ever doubting that my heart would double in an instance. These kids have truly taught me how to love hard!

So amidst all the newborn cuddles, night time feeds and nappies I felt it appropriate to shed some light on dealing with a two year old and a newborn…. ITS MENTAL!!!!

Bella has expertly perfected the art of throwing a tantrum and her triggers are nuts! If you tickle her toes in the wrong way… Tantrum! If you touch her iPad… tantrum! If you pick out the wrong dress for her to wear… Tantrum! So throw a new family member into the mix and, you guessed it! Tantrum! She has been so good with him thankfully, gentle cheek stroking, kissing him etc but she is definitely taking out her anger on me and her dad. So what are you supposed to do? I know everyone is probably thinking we should discipline her and tell her off but my heart is truly breaking for her. I also know that giving her a sibling is an amazing gift and they will grow up having a permanent play buddy but for now the poor girls world has been turned upside down and I don’t have the heart to scream and shout at her when all she needs is a cuddle and to be reminded that she will always be our princess. 

The hardest decisions we make as parents are about if we are doing the right thing for our children and I feel like there isn’t a hard or fast set of rules. Might sound like the easy way out but I’m going to let her feel all the feels and allow her to express herself. She opened up to me the other night and told me she missed me, it broke my heart but also allowed me to reassure her there is nothing to miss, I’m still her mum and nothing in the world could change my love for her. But I’m glad she vocalised it. So we are going to try and guide her the best way we can. Wish us luck as we navigate these choppy waters!!!

Getting to know other mums

Thank you all for your feedback on my first post, this is a really cathartic process and I’m sure anyone who has been out of their comfort zone, not just as a new mum, can relate!

I’ve got so much I want to talk about but right now I feel that the most relevant and poignant subject for me to write about is that cringe-worthy process of making ‘mum’ friends!

I’m sure everyone remembers their first day of school clearly, that bizarre moment when you are bundled into a classroom with 29 other kids and you have to pick out who your friends are going to be, its like old school Darwinian survival of the fittest! Well, making new friends at the age of 30 is EXACTLY the same.

Like most people, my best friends are those I have had since school and university. You sort of forget that making friends is a skill set, its like dating! You try and put your best foot forward, you want to be likeable because you’re desperate for an adult to talk to on a Wedsnesday at 2pm when all your actual friends are at work. So you set about being funny, smart and appealing to these other mums. Its like a mating call!

We have just recently uprooted from our comfort zone of North London to West London (Uprooted sounds really dramatic, but I have a penchant for drama) Having lived in North London my whole life it’s where all my family and friends live so I am now having to make new friends. Awks.

A few months ago, after we had first moved, Dip (the husband) and I were at the docs surgery getting the bun in the oven checked out. A mum walked in with her baby, she sat next to us and after a few awkward minutes of smiling nervously I told her that her baby was cute -THE BEST OPENING LINE TO ANY MOTHER IN THE WORLD. We exchanged some niceties and then off I went to get seen to by the doc. Dip stayed in the waiting room and carried on talking to her, by the time I was out she had gone. We got in the car and he told me he had given her my number so I could arrange to meet up with her for a coffee. I felt so edgy! What if she didn’t message me? What if he thought it was really weird that my husband was just dishing my number out willy nilly?! We’re not THAT KIND of couple! What if she had enough mum friends and didn’t want to meet up merely to pity the new girl?! SO many questions, so many nerves! I was on edge until she messaged me that night… YES that night. WINNNNNNNNINNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG! I waited an hour to message back so I wouldn’t look too keen. After all, I didn’t want to come across as desperate. We arranged a coffee/play-date and I am happy to confirm it went well. We have seen each other  few times since but I’m not sure it’s leading anywhere. Am I over-thinking this!? Yes, I probably am. GOD IT IS SO COMPLICATED!

Bella goes to nursery a few days a week and there’s always a ‘Nursery crew’ of mums, they arrange dinners, go for drinks, have play-dates etc. Its like the holy grail being invited to join this secret society of mothers. SO I can confirm, with a suitably smug face, that I was initiated into this group last week, after 5 months of being at this nursery. I’ll take that! I feel like I’ve made it. I mean, I don’t know why its such a big deal but it kind of feels like being part of the popular group at school. I will keep you updated on how this develops, I reckon I am going to come across as super keen and needy especially because the second bubs is due in a matter of days so I am going to need mums to hang out with desperately!

Some of the relationships you make with these women CAN BE amazing though, I made some friends for life when I was on mat leave with Bella. She was a bit of a tough baby, very colicky, pretty unsettled and obsessed with boob milk, I found solace in hanging out with other mums who didn’t judge me for feeding her on demand, for breastfeeding her for such a long time, for not instilling a stringent routine on her from day one. You might question why they would anyway but OMGGGGG I have never experienced judgement like the judgement from another mum who thinks she is doing a perfect job of raising her child! Every kid is different and every mama style varies so its not fair to make other mums feel bad about their choices. Who cares if you bottle or breastfeed? Who cares if you follow Gina Ford or just let your child be? And is it really that big a deal if you kiddo watches a bit of peppa pig here or there!? NO! Its not! Being a mum is a hard enough gig as it is and we should all be supporting each other. Every time I see a baby screaming in their pram in the supermarket I am reminded of what it felt like getting stared at by people and its horrible. I always smile at those flustered mums and hope that they realise they are doing the best job they can. And that’s more than enough.

So, I am leaping in, feet first! I plan on taking the new baby to all the mum groups I took Bella to. Baby massage, NCT meet ups, Sensory etc. Hoping I find a few good eggs to hang out with over the next year! WISH ME LUCK!

Oh and while I’m at it I have discovered an incredible app called MUSH. It’s like tinder for mums! I’ve already connected with a few mums in my area and will be arranging a tete tete with them soon!

Aarti x

 

 

First blog post

So, here we go! My first blog post!

This is a somewhat daunting process but, as anyone who knows me is aware, I have a lot to say.

The reason I’ve started this blog is to be candid, honest and open about what motherhood is REALLY like. Social media is responsible for making mums feel an untold amount of pressure to be ‘perfect’. I know for sure that I flick through Instagram at 1030pm (bedtime) on a Tuesday night feeling envious of the immaculately turned out toddlers with mums that have CLEAN HAIR feeling pangs of guilt about the fact that Bella went to bed without brushing her teeth, having eaten a sausage and two potato smileys for dinner. Bad times!

That said, she’s happy, we’re happy, it’s all good! Think it’s important for mums to remember the little wins along the way and not sweat the parts that are out of your control. I’m a control freak so this has been a huge learning curve for me but that kiddo has taught me so much.

Anyway, back to the purpose of this blog!

  • To be honest about the crap involved in being a mama
  • Handy tips
  • Things to do that the kiddos will enjoy but will also be semi enjoyable for the parentals
  • Probably a few #firstworldproblem rants that are unavoidable
  • Life with a newborn (whilst juggling a toddler) the new babs is due in a matter of days
  • Overall, I guess the best way to describe what it is that I’m going to put out there is ‘A non serious look at being a slightly confused mum of 1 (nearly 2) in London’

I will be updating regularly! Hope to find my blogging feet!

Aarti x